[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
* Love and marriage *
* Go together like a horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try And you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
What's the matter, Kel?
Are the contractions five minutes apart?
What's the matter, Bud?
Puberty five years away?
Come on, Kel. We're blood.
If you've got a problem, maybe I can help.
Well, Mom and Dad are at parent/teacher night,
and I'm scared.
You know, Mom and Dad make me sick.
When are they going to realize you're stupid
and leave you alone?
Yuk it up, malignancy.
No, I've got to start doing better.
I've got this book report due,
and I haven't even read the book.
It's called Robinson Crusoe.
Oh, I've read that.
I can help you...
For a small fee, of course.
Okay.
Robinson Crusoe was marooned on a desert island.
The only people there were him, Friday,
The Professor, Mary Ann, Ginger...
And the rest.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Slow down. Slow down.
The Professor...
Right.
Now, in the first chapter,
they had to get around the island.
So Gilligan-- I mean Robinson
and The Professor built a car
that ran on coconuts.
Oh, cool.
You know,
Robinson always sang this little song
around the island.
You may want to do it in front of the class.
It shows you read carefully.
* Just sit right back And you'll hear a tale *
* A tale Of a fateful trip *
* That started From this tropic port *
* Aboard This tiny ship *
* The mate-- * Now, that's Robinson--
* Was a mighty Sailing man *
* The skipper Brave and sure *
* Five passengers Set sail that day *
* For a three-hour tour *
* A three-hour tour **
Twice?
It's important.
[CAR APPROACHING]
That's Mom and Dad.
Come on, we'll finish this later.
Tell them that I'm upstairs
working really hard on my report.
I'm finally going to get an A!
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Kelly said she's upstairs
listening to the radio and dancing.
Ooh, you two look pretty mad.
But in Kelly's defense,
wait till after she's turned in her book report.
We owe her that much.
Kelly is not the problem, Bud.
She has moved up to a good, solid D.
Now, you're the one who's in trouble.
We went to your school and saw your social studies report,
you know, "Brazil, Land of Rubber and Sunshine."
Would you care to explain
this picture of your sister in a bikini?
Well, it illustrates the easy sex in Brazil.
So how did I do?
Like your father, in life, you failed.
Now, Bud,
I want you to go upstairs, and do not come back down
until you figure out something else to do with your time
besides torturing your sister.
Why don't you just ask me to stop breathing?
It's what I am. It's what I do.
I tell you what, I'll help Kelly with her homework.
Good boy.
[HUMMING GILLIGAN'S ISLAND THEME]
You know, Al,
I think I know what the problem is.
He just has too much free time.
Now, what can we do about that?
Well, we could get him a wife.
I meant like a hobby--
you know, a father/son thing,
something he could learn from you.
Let's see. You can't teach balding.
He already knows how to go to the bathroom,
and he's too young to drink.
Gee, Peg, if you wanted a hug,
why didn't you just ask for one?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
It's us, Steve and Marcie.
Hurry! It's important.
Excuse me, sir. Do you know these people?
No.
Al!
Please.
We picked them up for soliciting
at Joe's cocktail lounge.
I told you, officer,
we were just role-playing
to spice up our marriage.
We lost our ID when we were running from you.
It's all a big mistake. Tell him who we are, Al.
Yeah, it's the neighbors-- the hooker and the sailor.
I see.
Just a little yuppie game play, huh?
Well, let me tell you something about police.
We don't like it when you jerk us around.
I could be out there scaring kids
or driving with the siren on.
So next time you want to put some fun in your marriage,
do what me and my wife do--
cheat on each other.
Oh, Marcie, that's a nice outfit.
Can I borrow it?
I have a wedding to go to.
May I use your phone? I have to call a locksmith.
I lost our keys when Steve knocked me over
running from the squad car.
So, what's new with you guys?
Well, we were just trying to figure out a hobby for Bud,
you know, to keep him out of trouble...
something he could do with Al.
Well, you guys
could come over together in the morning
and steal my paper.
No, my mornings are for me.
How about flying or polo?
How about collecting original Picassos?
Hell, I make minimum wage.
We can start with one of his bad ones.
They'll be over in an hour.
I'm sure it will just fly by.
You know, a hobby
doesn't have to be expensive.
As a kid, I collected baseball cards.
You too?
Yeah, I had some great ones,
but my mother threw them all out.
Yep. Mine too.
Women. Women.
Greatest hobby in the world, and women just don't get it.
No, Al, what I just don't get is sex.
That's going to be Bud's new hobby.
Sex?
No, baseball cards.
Bud, come down here.
Why don't you find Bud something more cultural
and intellectually stimulating?
Marcie, they're men.
To them, something intellectually stimulating
is comparing today's Elmer Fudd
with the original, fatter Fudd.
Hey, he has lost weight, hasn't he, Steve?
It's like a totally different Fudd, Al.
Let's get some coffee, Marce.
What's up, Dad?
Bud, I want to talk to you about your new hobby.
What's my new hobby, Dad?
Collecting baseball cards.
How long have I had this new hobby, Dad?
About two minutes, son.
Do I like it?
But you know something, Bud?
The players today are kind of boring.
When Al and I were young, they were great.
Yeah, and see, that's what you're going to do, Bud.
You're going to collect cards
from when we and Steve were kids.
You are going to collect
the all-time greatest Cub team ever.
Oh, man.
Look at them over there. Men are such idiots,
and I married their king.
Baseball cards.
I mean, what is the big deal, anyway?
It's just a bunch of guys holding their bats.
They ought to show pictures of them
the way they really are--
Grabbing their privates, spitting,
and patting each other on the butt
for "good luck."
I hate baseball.
All the boys at school loved baseball.
I can still hear them talking--
"Baseball, baseball, baseball.
"Gee, there's Marcie. Let's throw a rock at her.
Baseball, baseball, baseball."
I hate men.
They're stupid, ignorant animals
with stupid, ignorant hobbies.
They hated me...
but I didn't need them.
I had Barbie.
And I had a very special bathtub toy.
Who's Barbie?
America's favorite teenage fashion model,
that's who.
Oh, you mean a Barbie doll.
Yeah, I had one of those.
I gave it to my boyfriend Keith
as a symbol of our love.
He was gay as a debutante, you know?
I still have my Barbie.
She's been wrapped up safe and sound
in her original box for 20 years now,
just waiting for the day
when I can pass her on to my little girl.
Kelly had a bunch of that Barbie stuff,
but to tell you the truth, I never understood
the fascination with Barbie.
But I could sure strip Ken with my teeth.
Yes, I'm sure.
But I loved Barbie.
It was a way to escape.
The whole idea was for Barbie to live the life
you wanted for yourself.
You know, this really is fun.
Hey, is there such a thing
as an old, rich Ken doll
that's about to kick the bucket?
That way my Barbie wouldn't have to hide these Kens
at 5:00
when the Al doll comes home from the shoe store.
Barbie was meant to be dressed beautifully
and properly accessorized,
not to be lying around
rubbed by a bunch of horny Kens.
Well, you've got your accessories,
and I've got mine.
Hey, let's go downstairs
and see what else of Kelly's we can play with.
Okay.
And after we disinfect your Barbie dream house,
I'll get out my Barbie.
I hope your Kens can handle it.
I can't believe it.
Those old cards are really expensive,
but I sold everything I could...
but we got seven of the nine all-time Cubs.
What a great store, huh?
And a great afternoon.
Think we should have taken Bud with us?
Why? He'd only get in the way.
Yeah, you're right.
Now, all he needs is Ken Hubbs and Ernie Banks,
and they're pretty expensive.
Great move, you selling your wife's old doll.
What, the old Barbie in the basement?
She'll never even miss it.
Bud, here's the crowning jewel
of your collection.
I just got it.
Don't touch it!
Now, all you need is Ernie Banks.
I'm proud of you, son.
Well, I'm proud of you too, Dad.
You men are such children.
Now, where's Barbie's pumps?
I guess I'm the man of the house now, eh, folks?
Bud, I am going to kill you.
Oh, yeah, today was book report day.
How'd you do, Kel?
How did I do?
I had a meeting with the principal,
a three-hour meeting.
A three-hour meeting.
You see, Bud, you innocently mixed up
Robinson Crusoe and Gilligan's Island.
I told them that,
but the principal didn't believe me.
He just said,
"Even you, Miss Bundy, are not that stupid."
But he was wrong, wasn't he, Kel?
Well, to make a long story short,
I'm a laughingstock,
you are going to die,
and I'm suspended until I do a report
on all the work of some guy named Poe.
You mean like "The Tell-tale Heart"?
Yeah.
You really know that one?
Well, sure. It's the one with Cousin Itt.
Really?
Yeah, come on.
I'll tell you all about it.
There really is a song in this one.
[SINGING THE ADDAMS FAMILY THEME SONG]
She may not graduate. You know that, Peg?
Steve, we've been robbed!
They took my Barbie!
Not the one you were saving to give your daughter.
And it was someone we know. They went right for her.
Steve, find them.
Find them and kill them.
No, don't kill them.
Bring them to me.
I'll kill them.
But not at first.
First I'll take a hammer
and smash their toes, little to big.
Then, if it was a man-- and I know it was a man--
I'll turn the hammer around.
Al...
Steve, get the cops.
Show them this.
I dug up this picture of her.
It was taken the night of her first date with Ken.
Marcie, why don't you come upstairs,
lie down, and have a good cry on my bed?
God knows, it's used to tears.
Both sides, Peg.
I'm in big trouble, Al.
She'll never know it was you.
Steve, they left a clue.
I found a hair.
It's just like a fingerprint.
No two are alike.
We'll find him.
Oh, yeah.
I got to get that doll back, Al.
I'm going to call the guy we sold it to.
Remember, Kel-- "Quoth the raven...
You rang?"
Dad, you know, I haven't given this baseball card thing
a fair chance,
so I'll have my friend Teddy come over and check it out.
Go ahead, Bud. That's what they're here for.
Like hell. Get your own hobby.
Al,
The store was robbed.
Barbie's gone, and I'm a dead man.
Oh, well.
Here's a question for you--
In 1966, which Cub had a 28-game hitting streak?
Al, don't you understand?
If I don't get Marcie's doll back, I--
28 games?
'66?
Billy Williams.
Ron Santo.
I was going to say Ron Santo! Damn!
Anyhow,
the way I figure it,
somebody from the neighborhood
broke into that store,
which means that Barbie is probably still in the area.
Steve, you're not telling me
that we're going to comb the streets
looking for a stupid Barbie doll?
[***]
Well, some of my teeth are loose,
but we got her.
Oh, Steve.
That's not my Barbie.
My Barbie has a little crescent-shaped cut
on heel of her left foot.
She got it jogging on the beach with Ken.
You don't love me!
Al, those motorcycle guys hurt me.
I know they did.
[***]
Steve, you're the most wonderful husband
in the whole, wide world.
Let's go home.
Marcie, I think I need a dentist.
I'm seriously hurt here.
Thank God you're all right.
What say tomorrow
we dress you in your red linen suit
for the busy gal?
Speaking of red,
I'm bleeding internally here.
I'm so glad you're okay.
I don't think they should have children, Al.
I don't think anybody should.
Mom, Dad, tomorrow I'm turning in my report
on Poe's "The Raven Family,"
featuring Morticia, Gomez, and Thing,
but I've been working really hard on this,
so let's say that if I get an A, can I get my own car?
Any kind you want, sweetheart.
[***]